I have struggled ever since we came back from England to know what the next step should be to prepare myself and my family for the future.  It can be hard discerning where the Lord is leading at times.  I was looking through some old messages on facebook that I had with a friend of mine and we were discussing the future, life after "missionary service", the reality check when you realize the fun is over.  OK, so it wasn't that depressing, but we both knew it would be difficult and require a lot of prayer and mental preparation to go back where everybody knows you, your not the foreigner, the adventure is over.

But lately God has been gracious to me.  He has been gently leading me to His side, tells me He hasn't forgotten me, reminds me of the visions He's given me to use me in a mighty way in this short life.  I was talking with Hannah about why we are in North Carolina and what God is up to with us.  We sensed God say that He is equipping us for service, giving us the tools and means to truly be of value in His Kingdom.  I like that, I need that, cause I know Im ill equipped and lacking.  We both have been thankful that He has been gifting us to be like Christ. 

I am still trying to fully comprehend and accept how intimate God is with us.  Its sounds cliche, I usually dismiss it, but lately He hasn't let me dismiss it so quickly.  I can't stop seeing that He is constantly pursuing us, just waiting for us to fall into his mercy and His grace.  And when we do concede, and we stop running from His love, time stops, His Spirit speaks deep into deep, and Christ draws close to us.  Its in times as these that I wish I could stay forever, in His presence.  When I feel God is near, when I sense Him in all my being and feel His love and thick glory, I never want to leave, but I know that wherever I go He will be there also.  Once, I needed to go quickly when He drew near like this to help with something going on in the house.  And as I was leaving quickly to rush into life and the business of the day He stopped me and made me sit on my bed and be with him a little longer.  God enjoys being with us, His children, more so than I do with my own children, and I love my kids to death.  That is intimacy, that is beyond my understanding.  

I have to remember that God promises to draw near to us when we seek Him.  So I have been seeking Him, because I fall and fail so quickly without Him.  When I fall, I dont want to get back up, Im always sure that I fell for the last time and He wont help me back up.  But every time, still to my surprise, He picks me up, gives me strength, and reconciles our relationship, only because of His love, His mercy, His grace.

I think its been about 10 months since we came back from England.  And I still feel gone, away from home because Im not home, Im in North Carolina.  Its beautiful here, the people are beautiful, God is at work here.  But I cant help but feel disconnected.  I feel so out of place, every single day.  Of course, I try to ignore it, suck it up, and dismiss it.  But lately God has given me hope that someday soon, I will be home, back in my families lives, any of them, distant or not.  I needed this hope, because Im growing tired, more so than I realized.  And its no wonder, I have been away from all of my family for about 7 years.  I was thinking about how most of my friends seem strong and able to carry on without their families around, until I noticed that most of them do see their families often.  What firmed my commitment this whole time to be away from any and all family has been Luke 14:26.  Which is stupid.  I've justified myself by misapplying a Scripture.  Thankfully, God revealed to me that He is asking us to LOVE Him more than family, not to neglect family or run from them.  I know most people understand that, but for some reason, I have been blinded from this truth.  And now, God is giving me a desire and a restful hope that I can grow near to my family in proximity and in Spirit.  I believe it will only be for a time that I live physically close, but wow is it needed.

I also sense that God has been waiting, preparing my family and myself to be together again.  I know He has been preparing our hearts.  As far as the timing, the scheme, the plan, I do not know.  Could be years.  But I know I can trust Him with this.   

What I am excited about, no matter where it happens, is that He is equipping me and my family.  He is pouring out His Spirit on us in a new and fresh way.  I feel that life and hope are being poured out and a time of refreshing, renewal and intimacy with the Lord is here. 

Isaiah 40:31 was one of my granddads favorite verses.  I used to not understand it in the least.  Now, its a necessity to understand and follow.  "Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary."  

Thank you Lord, for your strength and your sustenance.  Consume my life, overflow my heart.  Prepare us for your Kingdom, prepare us for service.  Clear the way, prepare the way, Father.  Draw us near to you, in your presence, and give us rest.   Amen.

About two months ago it all started.  My relationship with God surpassed all previous milestones, and the depth of our relationship was simply awesome.  After studying Luke 11 at a conservative traditional baptist church here in England, I felt God speaking to me about the Holy Spirit.  When I look back at it, I think He was shouting.  

Its interesting how it all unfolded, I gave more detail in previous blogs so I wont go into the details, but a few things changed.  For one, I started to actually get on my knees every day and pray, earnestly, and the only time I really did that before was if I was repenting of something, to be honest.  I mean, I prayed, but not like this.  Then, it just felt right to bow my head to the floor and have my hands open toward the ceiling.  Anyway, Im saying this to show that everything about the way I prayed changed, not just a little here and there.  Like I said before, I begged to be filled with the Holy Spirit and to pray in tongues cause I could see the value in it.  God answered that prayer and the things simply changed a lot.  If I wrote out all the things that happened, I believe most people wouldn't accept it, but maybe Im wrong, maybe they should just ask.  

God confirmed a lot of things in me and Hannah, especially the fact that He is very much alive, very much intimate with us, and very much wanting to bless and use us through His Holy Spirit.  

***Side note.  I know I sound like a Charismatic Pentecostal straight from Kansas City, but really, I have NEVER even stepped foot inside a charismatic church of ANY kind, and Im currently attending one the most traditional conservative Baptist churches ever in my life.***

So, to continue, in early April around Easter I took my little family to "china town" in Newcastle for some lunch.  Hannah was upset and frustrated that she hadn't experienced God so deeply as myself, so we stood to the side and decided to pray about it, why not.  We prayed that God would send her some encouragement and build her up in her faith and bless her.  Simple prayer.  

We carried on to china town and got to the restaurant.  I put our name down and told Hannah to go inside and sit down on the bench and I would wait outside with Tristan (there wasnt much room to wait).  Next thing I know there is this old woman talking to Hannah.  The first thing I thought was, "Is that an angel?".  She looked so full of joy and so kind, and I knew she was the answer to our prayer 15 minutes back on the side of the bridge over the River Tyne.  

We finally got to sit down at a table and Hannah came to sit down and had a look of shock on her face.  So I said, "so, who was she and what did she say".  Hannah told me all she could remember of the conversation and how she immediately had began to speak to her and encourage her in her faith and blessed her and prayed that God would "open her up".  We sat there in shock and awe.  We were so happy.  

 I was a little bummed that I didn't get to meet her and that we didn't invite her to sit down with us at our table.  

A few days passed and I felt that the Lord wanted me to fast, from food and all forms of entertainment.

 I dont really do fasting.  The longest I've fasted was about 24 hours, pathetic I know.

I reasoned my way out of doing it, and tried to forget about it all because I didn't want to lose my precious food and entertainment.  Not even for a couple of days.

Then, things started to go downhill.  I was tempted so strongly by so many things it was incredible.  I had nightmares and disgusting dreams at night, and I felt my strength in the Lord was starting to really wane.  About a week or so later I couldn't take it.  I just fell down on my knees to pray and started crying, really remorsefully for completely ignoring God and seeing so clearly why He wanted me to fast, to be strong in spirit and close to Him.

Now I really needed some encouragement and I was thinking about the old angel lady, who was just a sweet old Christian woman, and I prayed we could meet her again and be encouraged.  Some time passed and I didn't think we would ever see her again.  We often eat at the chinese restaurant and we never saw her or anyone else that would encourage us deeply. 

We decided to go back to the chinese restaurant  one more time before we have to leave to go back to the States.  I wasn't even thinking about that sweet old lady anymore and I thought "oh well, Im just glad Hannah had the chance to talk to her".  As we are waiting to be seated, Hannah runs upstairs to use the restroom and Im sitting with Tristan on the bench waiting.  All of the sudden this little grey haired woman comes around the corner to pay for her food.  I look and to my surprise its HER.  Its the lady with the face of an angel!  I couldn't believe it.  Whats weird is that she recognized me, and more importantly Tristan, and we started talking.  

I thought to myself, "Im not letting you go this time, lady, Im going to talk your head off and spend some time with you".  And that we did.  She sat at our table and encouraged, instructed, convicted, and prayed over us.  It was amazing.  She had a faith I had only read about and I thought was supposed to of died with Paul.

She told us many profound and simple truths about her walk with the Lord.  And she did all this with the utmost humility and conviction.  

It was a beautiful moment to have before we were to leave for the States.  Kyong Soo said that the Lord was leading her to leave in a couple days, she didn't say where, in fact, I dont think she knew where she was going, but she knew she was leaving soon to go where the Spirit (God) was going to lead her next.  

That is one thing I wont forget.  She spoke of her relationship with the Lord as a relationship with constant communication on both sides.  Gods voice to her was clear and direct, not vague or absent.  As we were eating she explained how the Lord had told her to go to the coast the day before and that was it.  So she went.  On the train to the coast she spoke with a woman and led her to the Lord, to salvation, in cold hearted England, if I dare say.  And after her encouragement, I seek to have a relationship with God that is just as intimate and real, why not?

Another point to be made is to obey the Holy Spirit and do exactly what he says.  If He says to go to England (or the store, or whatever), go, and be in prayer and in communion with the Holy Spirit so that He can use you.  But if we don't live by the Spirit and we aren't led by the Spirit, how can we say we have a relationship with Him?  I ask this with complete sadness in my heart.  Any time I live a day or moment without being in communion with the Holy Spirit is a dead and completely unfulfilled wasted moment.  But when I live each day in the Spirit, things happen, miracles occur, prayers answered, visions given, its amazing.

So when I meet a Christian who loves Jesus, yet knows next to nothing about the Holy Spirit, its just sad, because they aren't complete, they aren't empowered to live as Christ did.  And they aren't empowered, not because they dont have the HS, but because they are ignorant of Him, and dont see the complete picture of God's Spirit being sent into the world to empower us to live as children of God.

And that is what Kyong Soo encouraged us to do, to live in obedience, holiness, and purity.  These things "fan into flame" Gods Spirit within you, because we are pleasing God and not ourselves.  It sounds so simple, and it is, but its not easy.  Warring against the "flesh", against the evil and sin in your life is a battle, but thank God we aren't alone.  

And this is what I try to encourage every Christian now to do; to read Scripture to see what Jesus spoke of about the HS, to read about what Paul and all the other writers of the NT spoke of regarding the HS.  And to pray that our relationship with God would deepen and that we would be led by his Spirit for His glory and for His kingdom.

Everything else pales in comparison.